Breast Cancer Journal, page 5

I completed ACT chemo treatments just over 2 weeks ago. I still have lymphedema in my left arm and hand to deal with, and neuropathy in my hands and feet, as well as blood clots and an embolism in my jugular. But the bone pain associated with Taxol is considerably less today, so this morning I was able to take Tylenol and am looking forward to less restrictions to my daily activities - like being able to drive again! I am hoping the neuropathy subsides soon. The worse part about it is not being able to tell if my feet are really on the ground or not, and dropping loaded paint brushes on finished paintings because I can't feel the brush in my hand!

I am still bald as a marble, but I am really looking forward to having my PortACath removed at the end of the month!

After talking about it for years, my friend Anne and I finally took a day and went out to Monhegan Island to sketch and take photographs. It was a glorious day!

I got through the portacath removal surgery today (Aug 27) without a hitch. I'm home now and have to take it easy for a day or so. Can't swim for a month which is a major bummer, but hey, I made it through the whole thing! I'm even off Coumidan, which is great! Bone scan and lung x-ray next week will tell me if all is clear. I noticed new stubble on my legs, and believe it or not, new pure white peach fuzz on my head, so I do think my hair is really starting to come back!

A nurse from my oncologist office called to tell me that my bone scan came back clear, and that there was no change in the spot on my lung. I was so overwhelmed with relief at hearing that news, I couldn't even thank the woman for calling me or say goodbye. I cried uncontrollably for 2 hours with shear relief. I didn't even realize how anxious I was to hear the results of those tests, and was shocked at my own reaction to the news. Then I thought of my poor mutilated body, and cried for another hour about that. I had been keeping busy since the tests, and trying to just assume everything was ok, and that the chemo worked. The actual news of no new tumors or cancer to deal with right now or in the immediate future was what I needed to hear. For the first time I began to believe I might be a "survivor".

I wish recovering from breast cancer were like getting over the flu, but it's not. My energy is better, but not 100%. I still have side effects of surgery and chemotherapy that I am dealing with; lymphedema, neuropathy, confusion and major anxiety being the most debilitating. Applying for that grant didn't help because I had to list all "relevant dates", which forced me to re-live every horrible detail of this past year; and the abject poverty I was living in the past few years, will probably disqualify me from serious consideration anyway. I won't know about the grant until December.

I found the tumor just 11 months ago around Thanksgiving. It took me months to find a way to get diagnosed. And by the time I had my surgery at the end of February the cancer had already metastasized. Chemo was crushing in its effects, both on the cancer and on me, but it did buy me some time, years I am hoping. Although my recent test came up clean, even with treatment, my chances of recurrence are 65.5%, or to put it another way a 34.5% chance of survival. I have a 6 month reprieve until my next tests. Unfortunately, we don't have any public transportation here, so I doubt I'll ever get hit by a bus. Those are the facts I am dealing with even while I try to resume my life or what's left of it. I am exercising, trying to swim at least once a week, and eating healthier foods this year from my garden, and local dairies (only 2 left in our county). A neighbor makes my soy milk and tofu. I trade her for garden vegetables, homemade soup, or an occasional baked item. She also makes great goat's milk cheese, not my favorite, but the price is right. If my chickens don't start laying eggs soon, they may become chicken soup!

Although sales have been low to non-existent this year, and even less lately, and the neuropathy severely limits my fine motor ability, I have been working in my studio and online trying to figure out how to sell again with my new circumstances and the changing economic situation. It's all overwhelming most days. Painting in the same way as in the past takes much longer than it use to, so I've been exploring a different technique using poured paint. You can see some of my new works here: Poured Paintings. I am hoping the neuropathy improves with time. I am now on medication for it which seems to help. My surgeon recently told me that the lymphedema and numbness in my torso region from surgery is now about as good as it's going to get. That news was disappointing. Other than that, I've been harvesting the garden and getting the house ready for winter. And while I can't open a tea bag or button my shirt because of the neuropathy, I can run my chain saw, and so have also been trying to get my wood in for winter heat.

Fall Oak Tree

As one of over 1000 recipients of the Maine Breast Cancer Coalition, Support Service Fund, I attended a Celebration of Life

with supporters, advocates, and other survivors at the Margaret Chase Smith Library in Skowhegan, Maine.

Breast Cancer

A Visual Journal by Laura Tasheiko, Maine Artist